Current mood:	weird
Current music:	Phil Collins - Trashin the Camp

Warning! Psychotic girl ahead
I pity Shane, I'm at the stage in the month where I vaccillate between angry and angrier I actually fantasized about smothering him with his pillow last night after he came to bed at 1am and tossed and turned for an hour. Is that the true meaning of love? Not killing the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with? If it's not it should be.

But seriously, I'm just moody I find I get that way a week before my girl time and the older I get the more moody I seem to get so I go from grumpy to lonely to bored to bitchy in no time flat also not hitting happy, calm or relaxed at any point in the week. I'm sure there's a herbal remedy for all that but I vote for just locking me in a room with my Playstation, a few books and a fully stocked CD case for the week.

To add to the grrrrrness that is me this week I got an icq from Gary, which means that he probably got dumped, (or broke up with the girl du jour) the other odd thing is that it didn't follow a second reply so perhaps there was a reconcilliation. I'm very good about laughing it off and being cynical but it always messes me up when he pokes his head in because I know that nothing good ever comes of it. And then Shane gets all jealous and mean with the 'he never actually cared about you..' bit needless to say he's never actually MET the man and is insanely jealous and honestly I don't blame him, there's bits in me that no one else has touched on an emotional level.

I've used this anaology before but I feel like there's a monsterous rubber band and we're at either end and we can only pull apart so far before we get smacked back together. I've figured out that we're not destined to get back together and I think I'm pretty much ok with that except when Shane does wimpy things that I know Gary wouldn't do (don't lecture me on not comparing it's easier to say than do) But anyhow back to the point... I feel like I need him around, even if I'm not the same person I was when I was 18 (who is really?) We've been through a lot and done a lot of crappy things to each other, but he's one of the few people who really understands me. I need someone to understand me when I'm being psychotic. And I don't need him constantly around but sometimes he's the only person I feel like I can talk to.

On a completely different note, I have been having the most unreal dreams I partly blame my reading material (Marion Zimmer Bradley's Gravelight) it's pretty occult based and a little creepy at times and I'm super sensitive to things like that. Fortunately I haven't been having seriously violent dreams, just surreal. Further proof that I watch too much tv there's been some Gilmore Girl characters popping in and out too... I think I need a better meditation program, it would also help if Shane could hold still for more than two seconds at a time, I swear I've never meet anyone past the age of five who moves around as much as he does! When we buy a house, we're getting a king sized bed!!!

Well... I think that's all I need to be sayin for now.